From+the+pen+of+Andy+Park

Over the duration of the year, Andy has delighted me with many emails. Enjoy:

Dear Mr. Morton,

Thus far, I have sent you eleven letters, be they reflections, excuses, or requests.. At your request, I have accumulated all of the beautifully-written, eloquent letters you have undoubtedly seen at one point or another. I believe I began writing these during the final weeks of the first semester. Perhaps you could incorporate these emails into your next novel? On that note, don't forget to get me an autographed copy of your book! Well... live long and be healthy! No... a better benediction would be: be lenient while grading my test and good things will come to you!

Sincerely,

Andy the Intrepid

11/16/08

Dear Mr. Morton, Beneath this paragraph is my reflection. For some peculiar reason, the "attach" function of the email program I use (Yahoo) has ceased to function. Now, just out of curiosity, when you said that the reflection was due Friday, did you mean the fourteenth of November? If so, then I must justify my turning in this assignment so late. You see, on Fridays, I have a certain tradition. After school ends, for just several hours, I like to neglect anything even remotely academic. And, while the Friday in question should have been an exception, I was in a disturbed state of mentality and forgot to check my agenda. Thus, my forgetting the assignment entirely until Sunday was inevitable. One last thing is on my mind. Was I right to assume that we were supposed to email this to you? Andy Park “The Rube Goldberg Project” Reflections By Andy Park Well, I would say that we’re off to a good start. For starters, we have a rough copy of our blueprint and are, as of now, refining it. Although it is somewhat inelegant and a bit crude, I do believe it has the potential to become one of the more prominent projects being demonstrated on the day this is due. So, in a nutshell, we’re nowhere near perfection. But then again, everything has its Achilles heel. I’ll bet that there will be at least one aspect that we have overlooked or neglected by the time we’re done. Of course, no project is without its weaknesses. The same can be said of the group that works on it. I can’t help but feel that my group is occasionally ostracizing me. May it be paranoia or intuition, this hindrance cannot persist. If there is one thing I’ve learned about groups, it is that they will never reach their full capacity if they do not work together. Although I must admit, I have not been very active or supportive during the first week. I pledge to make amends in order to resolve our group’s current dilemma. But, though a certain member (CJ) might disagree, my attitude towards this project has not been the only problem. While Cris has remained nonchalant throughout the majority of our time working together, CJ has been constantly attempting to exclude me from the work. On the seldom occasions he does give me work, he vague to the extent at which I am led to believe that he is deliberately giving me futile assignments I will not be able comprehend or to finish. But I do acknowledge that this must be a group effort. No one member is to blame for anything and we are progressing steadily.

11/26/08

Well, I believe that working as a group rather than as several individuals is now no longer a significant issue. We have made steady progress together. Unfortunately, whenever we meet, all of us have the tendency to deter from our respective duties. We just need to be more attentive and focused while we work and CJ just needs to stop taking out his BB guns during our meets.

1/7/09

Bronze consists of copper and tin.

1/9/09 Happy birthday! Am I going to lose points for the packet that was due last class?

2/11/09

Hello, Mr. Morton! Well, I was going to send you my answers yesterday but I had decided to refine my work a little bit. Then I just lost consciousness in the middle of the day! It was like narcolepsy or something! Well, my being on my bed and reading a textbook simultaneously may have contributed to what had happened. Anyway, I am now emailing you my work! I truly could not think of how to answer some of these questions (I sort of spaced out at one point during the movie). But I have answered the majority. I would have sent this earlier today, but I had forgotten. Although the work is somewhat inelegant, I honestly believe that it is worth a good grade. I have been working on this rigorously over these past few weeks and the extent to which I have ruminated upon the matter of "global warming" shows clearly in my work. On that matter, since today is only a day after the assignment was due, you're only deducting ten percent, right?

3/16/09

Dear Mr. Morton,

I would have to say that I am making adequate progress. My partner evidently hinders my research with her constant and trivial quarrels. I'm not saying that my partner is a liability (that would be discourteous and there's always the chance you're going to show this to the class). It is just that it would be more efficient if we were to avoid these confrontations. Of course, she will controvert my claims. She will display her copious notes. Do not listen, Mr. Morton! You see, I believe that one must first ruminate upon a certain topic before actually writing anything.. This deep, intuitive process can take extremely long periods of time and should not be rushed if one were to expect a final product of great quality.. I am currently at this stage in my work and cannot, as of yet, give you anything... material. I'm sure you understand this perfectly. The fact that rational, altruistic men like you exist gives me consolation.

Sincerely,

Andy

P.S. Would I still lose 30% for this assignment? I believe that you should exclude the weekends when deducting points off of late assignments. Besides, I have no recollection of you ever telling us that we even had to write reflections! I don't mean to sound insubordinate here, you must understand. I have only the utmost respect for well-educated, charismatic instructors such as yourself. I would just like for you to consider only deducting 10% from this assignment. And while we're on this topic, when exactly is the project due?

3/17/09

Dear Mr. Morton, This time, I have no excuse for you. In fact, I have completed my homework already! Unfortunately, I've recently discovered that my printer was irreparably damaged at some point in time. So, being aware of how generous you are, I was hoping that you could print out my assignment and give me credit for it just this one time. Thank you for your understanding, Mr. Morton! Your magnanimity knows no bounds!

11/20/09

Dear Mr. Morton, I realize that last week's email was a bit vague and did not cover all of the questions asked. Unfortunately, I have forgotten the questions. So, I've decided to entertain you for a bit. Well, not so much entertain as waste your time, but you get the idea. Did you know that I'm actually writing this in the middle of your class? It's true! You're talking about bringing to class the pregnant wife of some bald administrator. What I just said wasn't derogatory. Well, I say "said" metaphorically, seeing as how we don't actually verbally communicate. You know, I'm somewhat repulsed by how dependent we are upon technology today. What if machines become sentient beings!? Anyway, I suppose I should be talking about the project. We haven't made too much progress thus far, but as I have explained before, when ruminating upon anything, one needs a immense amount of time. It is an onerous, burdensome process, but I am more than determined to do well on this project. One could say that I have been putting in too much effort. I have been working on this rigorously! I would say that my partner and I haven't been cooperating very well. Or at all... Nevertheless, I will attempt to... mitigate the hostility between us. But I wouldn't say that this has become a major problem, yet. In conclusion, the project is going pretty well so far. Despite my reservations regarding using a colloquialism while communicating with teachers: cya!

4/2/09

Dear Mr. Morton, You would not believe what happened! As hard as it may be to believe, I had almost forgotten about this assignment. Fortunately, I ran into a classmate at the end of the day. Unfortunately, I lost consciousness once I returned home and forgot about the assignment until a little before 12. Getting to the point... I can't really say I'm curious about what pregnancies are like. You see, I have a philosophy: "ignorance is bliss". I am proud to declare that I have adhered to my philosophy for as long as I can remember! And with the current state of the society in which we live, I can't believe that anyone would actually bring another human being into this. Everything is corrupt! Avarice motivates every sentient being on this planet. Well, I guess I'm being a bit of a misanthrope. Anyway, I thought that you'd probably get bored reading the same, mundane questions repeatedly from others. Thus, with you in mind, I have compiled a small list of questions others probably have not considered. There is no need to thank me; I'm just doing my job.

-Andy the Altruistic

P.S. You know how all of the greatest figures in history have had attached some glorious description next to their names (e.g. Alexander the Great, King of Macedonia)? Well, seeing as how my rise to fame is inevitable, I have decided to find myself a suitable title. Nothing fancy, though-I mean, I'm a pretty humble guy. I don't want to give you the impression that I'm megalomaniacal or anything. Digressing a bit, I would like to apologize for the tone of this e-mail. I realize it's not as humorous or light-hearted as the previous ones, but I'm somewhat cranky today. Let's just say that the callousness of a certain, unspecified math teacher knows absolutely no bounds. Speaking of callousness, when exactly is the project due?

1. Is her pregnancy the result of parthenogenesis? 2. Does she believe that fetuses are living beings? 3. Does she believe that the fear of pain is a powerful deterrent for many women? 4. Did she experience excruciating pain during her first pregnancy? 5. Does she expect excruciating pain this pregnancy? 6. Does she know the gender of the organism-in-production?

4/2/09

I have two things left to say:

What is her perspective on abortion?

and

Will I lose points for sending it a minute after 12?

Sincerely, Andy the Mercy-Seeking

4/3/09

Dear Mr. Morton,

Because of how exhausted I am as a result of taking your excruciating, torturous test, I will not deviate from the topic during this email. The test has drained me of my usual vigor and left me nigh comatose. Thus, I have temporarily lost the humor and wit typically associated with me. I will need extensive therapy and spiritual rejuvenation, preferably in the form of a vacation. But extra credit on the test will suffice! Getting back to the topic... I have found the questions and will answer them to the best of my ability.

Now that we have a new subject, and thus restarted the entire project, I cannot say very much. I can say that, due to my newfound interest in taking part in working on this project, my partnership is doing very well. But my partnership is also the bane of my existence at this point. I have an obstinate partner who refuses to agree or to act as a team. She is also astonishingly discourteous. Perhaps now that we are organized, we will be able to work better as a group. I also had reservations regarding changing the topic. Although the immune system is incontrovertibly more intriguing that my former topic (the endocrine system), I had made quite some progress and was skeptical of whether or not I should start again. Thus far, we have not started working on the immune system, besides some superficial studying. The work has been divided evenly, I would say. We are starting with the keynote presentation, the work for which we have decided to split equally.

In conclusion, the project is going pretty well so far. Sure, we have nothing material. But, as I have explained on numerous occasions, ruminating upon a subject takes an incredible amount of time and effort to do correctly. I had recently finished said process for the endocrine system, but, seeing as how I have to start again...

-Andy the Nonchalant

Dear Mr. Morton,

Although I expect little sympathy from a man with your reputation (i.e. telling your students to prepare for a quiz, then giving them a test worth a hundred points), I will tell you that I have now begun to panic. You are probably telling yourself that it's about time I took this seriously. I beg to differ! I have been utterly serious throughout the course of this entire process! But, in order to avoid wasting what precious time we both have, I will be brief and concise.

To answer the first question... nothing is going well! We pretty much have no tangible, written work, my partner is adamant that I am the one at fault, and we have to compress several months' worth of effort and work into less than a week. Fear and despondency are my two most frequently experienced emotions. I am losing my sanity! Everything is challenging! Every obstacle I must overcome is like an impenetrable barricade. I can no longer say with confidence that I am nonchalant. But alas, every cloud has a silver lining. Despite the bedlam surrounding this project, I think we're finally getting a little organized. I have familiarized myself with the immune system already and I'm determined to obtain a thorough understanding of said bodily system in the near future. Furthermore, I will soon send Jerica a list of the topics which I believe are most significant (it will most likely be merely a rearranging of what she suggested earlier). Said list will be sent early tomorrow. We are both working on the keynote presentation, she is working on the models/visual aids, and I am working on the videos. For the videos, I am planning on using one or more clips from the internet (with proper citations, of course). We have yet to decide what exactly the fourth component of this multimedia presentation will be. If my hunch is correct, it will be an audio clip. More specifically, it will be a podcast I will be forced to do. And I, being the noble, philanthropic type, will reluctantly acquiesce to the tyrannical Jerica's demands.

In conclusion, we're a little behind. I do not yet believe that this has become too much of a problem, but it is a problem nonetheless. But if there's anything I've learned in my fourteen years on this floating rock, it's that "I don't believe in the no-win scenario."

-Andy

P.S. When you told me you were a Trekkie, I knew that I needed a quote for my next email. I think I deserve some extra credit for spending half an hour looking that up. But that's just my opinion. My rational, unprejudiced, unbiased opinion.